Stop Living a Life Based on "Status"

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My “Softballer” friends and I spent a lot of time jamming to Aly & AJ, Lil’ Wayne, T.I., Rihanna, Pink, 50 Cent, No Doubt, (quite the variety) while eating “Swamp Dip” before high school games. Ps. Swamp Dip is a layer dip of ground beef, refried beans, cream cheese, and shredded cheese. You eat it with tortilla chips. SO GOOD! But, whoever thought it would be a good idea to eat that before a game was brave, but we were also in high school, and coach made us run a mile before practice every day, so we were resilient. Anyways, I was a rough exterior, really soft interior kind of kid. Spent a lot of time listening to the same song on repeat, shoot, sometimes I felt like my life was a song. Aly & AJ had a song come out in 2004 with the movie “Ice Princess” till this day, I have never seen the movie, but was obsessed with the song “No One”. The writer of this song is a lyrical genius.

Check it out:

You are probably thinking, “Holy moly coach, what a cheeseball.” Truth is, old me would have cared. Point is, those lyrics were embedded in me for a long time. I felt like most of my life I was watching my life play out instead of actually living it. I did not know how to live life how I wanted because I was so motivated to live my life how I wanted people to see me.

Everyone that surrounded me was an Athlete. At one point, my entire family had been competitive swimmers (including me). At some point we all went our separate ways, water polo, baseball, football, cheerleading, softball. I had/have a twin and a little sister. We were born with Athletic genes. We grew up with chores, rules, car payments, insurance payments, a job, groundings. We sat at the table without phones, everyone went around the table and talked about their day, you ate what was put in front of you, you spoke when spoken to. Went to church every Sunday in black slacks, high heels, and a nice shirt. I NEVER went to school in sweats or a t-shirt unless it was spirit day. Family rules. You know, the “olden days” type stuff. Ps. I was born in 1990, so that wasn’t that long ago. My free time was spent on academics, athletics, helping around the house, and some friends here and there. I was programed and expected to represent the Manusos name with dignity and respect.

Why does this all matter? Keep reading.

Remember when I told you: “ I did not know how to live life how I wanted because I was so motivated to live my life how I wanted people to see me” Now remember when I told you how I grew up? Can you see how when those two things mesh together, it creates a total cluster? Truth is, I hated high school, I hated having rules, chores, expectations, all of it.. Externally, people may have felt like I had the social life figured out, but internally I was screaming. I was finding every way to survive socially and everything I could do to fill up everyones “cup” but mine.

In high school, people (everyone) found out I was gay. This was in 2007, it wasn’t exactly socially acceptable to “come out” let alone people catch wind that you were interested in someone other than the opposite sex. I lost best friends because of it. Some of my friends thought because I was “this way” that I would be weird towards them. News Flash: Not how it works. 

How was I supposed to go to church? I still believe in God, I still pray, I love my church community. What would they think? What about college? What if a coach finds out? Would my team be weirded out? Do I talk to people about something I can’t even understand myself?

Life was literally exploding. In my teenage brain, I was drowning. I had felt like I let every person in my life down.

But my notice all the questions I asked myself? Notice who I said “I let down.”

My point is, for years and years I avoided being authentically me in fear of what my friends, family, coaches, or strangers would think of me. I also dwelled on EVERYTHING. I lost a lot of friends because of it. I was emotionally reactive. I was totally pissed at life in every way possible. I even went as far as telling people that my “coming out” was just a phase.

It wasn’t until recently, that I was truly comfortable being me and I can’t stop thinking about all the time I wasted living MY LIFE the way everyone else wanted me to live it. Wanting to be someone or something else because of how you THINK people will look at you.

To give you an example, I had a D3 offer early on in my high school career, I loved the coach, I loved the school. But I turned it down because “it wasn’t cool” to go D3, all my friends were going D1, and at the time.. All I cared about is how the world would perceive me. THREE schools later, I graduated with a B.S. (which took me 5-years) and I’ll be honest, the only school I really loved was Bluffton University (D3).

People always ask me “If you could tell the kid you something right now, what would you say?”

“It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to want something that everyone else doesn’t want. It’s okay to have 3 really good friends, instead of 100 mediocre ones. It’s okay to have parents that aren’t like all my friends parents. It’s okay to listen to the same sappy song over and over again. It’s okay to love who you love. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be a rule follower. It’s okay to work really really hard and not end up where people thought you would be. It’s okay to be you and not who everyone else wants you to be. It’s okay to love who you are, even if some people don’t.” 

Until next time, #12 out.